1. Jesus loves you... but everyone else thinks you're an asshole
2. Impotence... Nature's way of saying 'No hard feelings'
3. The proctologist called... they found your head
4. Everyone has a photographic memory... some just don’t have any film
5. Save your breath... You'll need it to blow up your date
6. Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them
7. I used to have a handle on life... but now it is broken
8. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship
9. Hang up and drive
10. If you can read this... I can slam on my brakes and sue you
11. Heart Attacks... God's revenge for eating His animal friends
12. Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted
13. Try not to let your mind wander... It's too small to be out by itself
14. Some people just don't know how to drive... I call these people 'Everybody But Me'
15. Don’t like my driving... Then quit watching me
16. Guys... just because you have one... doesn't mean you have to be one
17. Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down
18. RUSH is a BAND

15 things to do at Wal-Mart while your spouse/significant other is taking his/her sweet time

1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they aren't looking.
2. Set all the alarm clocks in housewares to go off at 5 minute intervals.
3. Make a trail of apple juice on the floor to the rest rooms.
4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, 'Code 3 in housewares' ...and see what happens.
5. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&Ms on lay away.
6. Move a 'CAUTION – WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding department.
8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
9. Look right into the security camera and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.
10. While handling guns in the hunting department ask the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.
11. Dart around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the theme from 'Mission Impossible.'
12. In the auto department, practice your Madonna look using different size funnels.
13. Hide in the clothing rack and when people browse through say 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker assume the fetal position and scream 'NO! NO! It's those voices again!'
15. Go into a fitting room and yell real loudly: 'Hey! We're out of toilet paper in here!'